Shizzle my shazzle, do you want a vajazzle? « Vajazzle

May 7th, 2011

(hey gang, come and sit on my Facebook – there’s room for everyone)

Oi oiii whistle posse!

If you’re not familiar with what this recent addition to the Oxford English Dictionary means, it’s where women bling up their minge and stick little diamonds to themselves in pretty patterns. Slutty or what? I reckon it’s just an excuse for them to get their clunge out at the pub, but I shouldn’t complain, because I’m about to go in to business doing them…and I’m going mobile! just think! a door-to-door fanny fashion service!It works perfectly. My mate Dirty Kev has got a mobile valeting business, so while he’s polishing dashboards and finding porn in the glovebox, I’ll be spreading the legs of the good lady-folk of my estate and applying dainty gem stones to their labia in the back. With superglue. of course, I won’t miss an opportunity of having all that folded-back flange in front of my face, so if any of them are half decent, I may even have a little snack at the Y-shaped diner. I’ll charge extra for that service, mind — £20 if I make them come. Mind you, she’d best not be a squirter, or else Kev’ll dock me wages for ruining the upholstery.

As for patterns, I’m gonna be doing away with complicated hearts and birds and girly nonsense. you can either have a round one – a pill, obviously, or a one in a line shape – which would be…a line. Yeah! keep it simple, keep it quick, and I reckon I could get through about 500 tomorrow…at £20 each? see you down the pub! Milky Bars (and Dom Perignon) are on me!

I’ve even had the tweezers on my mum’s rings and extracted a few rocks – she’ll go apeshit when she sees her engagement ring with no stones in it, but it’s for a good cause. I owe her £280.

So, I’ve got my first day at work tomorrow, and we’ll be going round the estate in Kev’s van. Ladies, our first stop will be on the abattoir car park where Kev will be hosing down a few long distance pan-European offal wagons back from the continent. Loads of room in the back of one of them, bring a friend! and possibly a facemask.

Oh, and for one day only, there’s a special guest for each customer. I’ll hang an air freshener off your clit.

PS see my latest episode HERE. Sadly there are no close ups of vajazzles, but I do shit Kerry Katona out of my ass in a back alley. almost as impressive. and it fucking hurt.

Shizzle my shazzle, do you want a vajazzle?

Shizzle my shazzle, do you want a vajazzle? « Vajazzle

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