Shit Happens: A Dossier of Evidence: Please vajazzle your mouth shut

May 2nd, 2011

It’s been a while, dear fans. 
As you could probably deduce from my previous entries, I was in a very strange place. I took some time out, took stock – not in a Winona Ryder / Lindsay Lohan stealing-from-department-stores kind of way – and basically rediscovered the meaning of life.
The meaning of life, I am happy to reveal, is about being yourself and being a good person. there is no heaven, there is no hell. When I’m gone, it’s party time for the little worms so what’s important is enjoying the here and now. Consequently, I’ve decided that I no longer give a shit: I suffer fools less gladly than ever before and waste no time with, well, retards that no longer matter. I don’t work too hard anymore, and I don’t worry about what I can’t influence.
Furthermore I have realised the importance of friends and family. Those who were there for me in my darkest moments, I thank you. It is because of you that this bitch is back kicking some serious fucking arse. See below. 
I have remembered that being unapologetically ‘me’ is fun. I have loved my two weeks off for Easter, walking around my beautiful flat in my boxer shorts and only occasionally getting dressed for drinks in the sun. I have remembered how to enjoy myself; that being young (ish) with no commitments is an absolute joy. from this day forward I shall enjoy life in my usual tongue-in-cheek, spirited manner with no holds barred and no shaft un-sucked.
Recent events have brought me to the conclusion that death can in fact be a beautiful, liberating thing if it happens to the right person. so here is a list of people – in no particular order – whose untimely deaths would serve to liberate me further. if there is a God, and if he is reading this, I’m sure he’d agree:
Jamie Oliver:You are not a teacher. You are a cook. Don’t patronise those who work hard every day to change young people’s lives by suggesting you know better. Fuck off, you annoying lisping twat.
Peaches Geldof:You are not a TV presenter. You are the irritating spawn of a tosser and a dead druggie.  I’ll give you fucking ‘OMG’ when I cut you up. Fuck off, you … annoying lisping twat.
Justin Bieber:Yes, I accidentally emulated your trademark hairstyle once. Don’t flatter yourself. Fuck off.
Kerry Katona:I had a nightmare about you last night. I dreamt that you had reformed Atomic Kitten and were releasing an album of Westlife covers. if this ever happens, civilization as we know it will cease to exist. Why are you here? what is your purpose? nobody cares about your inability to learn from your mistakes. please do not parade your bad life choices or your ugly, potato-faced brats on television. You fucking pikey.
Konnie Huq:DIE DIE DIE! asking “doesn’t your hair look lovely today?” is not interviewing. the only reasons you lasted on Blue Peter so long were a) it was just about your intellectual level and b) to sack you would have appeared racist.
The Only way is Essex* (entire cast):You are the scourge of our society. You are the embodiment of everything that is wrong in the world today. and you are unfeasibly orange. Buy some cleansing wipes, get a proper job and stop deluding yourselves that we care. especially that vile, mincing one – please vajazzle your mouth shut.
*Note: I am aware that I have inadvertently listed the entire line-up of the ITV2 evening schedules. what does that say about their target demographic? get an education, perhaps?
Slow-walking pedestrians:Please stay indoors. Or, alternatively, learn to walk in a straight fucking line so I can navigate around you. Whatever happened to “survival of the fittest”? Surely, under this premise, those with no common sense or life skills should just die? MOVE OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY. this applies especially to old people – who should have had years of practice – and to thick, orange bitches gossiping on their wanky phones, presumably about The Only way is Essex.
Vanessa Feltz:Who the fuck commissioned you another TV show? and this time with that talentless, desperate ligger of a husband? Take your gastric band and put it around your sodding mouth. See also: Fern Britton.
David Cameron:YOU ARE A CUNT.
On the “not wasting my time with retards that don’t matter” front, I think I’m doing rather well. It’s good to be back.

Shit Happens: A Dossier of Evidence: Please vajazzle your mouth shut

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