Pejazzling. Yes. I Said Pejazzling.

May 24th, 2011

So, according to new York magazine, there is finally a counterbalance to the whole Vajazzling phenomenon.

A little sumpin’ sumpin’ for the guys in our lives.

I won’t keep you hanging…

I am, or course, speaking of Pejazzling.

Pejazzling, for those of you who don’t know, is exactly like Vajazzling…

except for men.

Essentially it is the art of adorning your junk with stick-on crystals.

You know, to make it “pretty” for your woman…

or your man…

whatever floats your  bizarrely bejeweled boat.

Or should I say “submarine”?

What’s my personal opinion of Pejazzling?

Well, I’m about to tell you.

But first, a quick word about VAjazzling.

I sort of get why women might think Swarovsky Crystals on their woo-hoo might be pretty.

Women DO often have a “thing” for “bling”.

And when we run out of fingers for rings, wrists for bracelets, we’ve punched holes up and down our lobes for earrings, and our necks are stacked so high with necklaces that we look like the women of the Padaung tribe…

…then I guess it’s a natural progression to start wearing jewels on our Jays.

So to these women who like some  ”rocks” on their “box”  I say,

“GO GIRLS! To each of your vaginas, your own.  It’s ALLL GOOOOD!”

I am like 3 years behind on scrapbooking.

If I’m going to take hours and hours of my life glueing shit?

It’s going to be pictures of my kids into an album.

So now you want to know my opinion of Pejazzling?

First off?

There is no way in hell my man is going to Pejazzle his kibbles and bits.

He can’t find the time to pick his dirty skivvies off the floor or too mow our hopelessly overgrown LAWN so if you think he’s going to mow HIS little man-lawn?

And then meticulously apply itty bitty little jewels to his manhood?

Besides, I don’t really need the competition.

The day he shows up with his genitalia looking prettier than mine?

It’s primitive.

It’s what animals do.

Look, I’m not saying I don’t like sex.

I love it as much as any 40 something year old, healthy, red-blooded woman…

BUT it is what it is…

sweaty, grinding, passionate, dirty, animalistic…

they call it “bumping uglies” for a reason, Peeps.

So, in my opinion, what is SHOULDN’T be?

Is this:

Unless to you sex is a joke…

and although I hate to say it?

To some of us, it is.

Let’s face it…

Do the men in our lives really need sex to become any more complicated than it already is?

Most men can’t find our G-Spot with a road map…

which gives me an idea.

I say we woman take back the power and keep vajazzling to ourselves.

For the betterment of our sex lives.

So that we can use the jewels to spell out a strategically placed list of step by step instructions for our well meaning men.

I mean, as long as they are down there, they might do a little reading, right?

Or maybe we use the jewels to make a simple arrow showing our men where to find our clitoris.

A RiDICulous idea.

Useful as a tool to guide our husbands and boyfriends with key words, arrows and “x”s that mark the spot (the G-spot of course)

A huge waste of time.

Did I make my opinion clear enough?

You’re welcome.

Special thanks to my friend Susu Bear of Scoopcharlotte.com , whose undercover research (ahem) allowed me to write this post.

Without you? Today’s post would have been about how to bake the BEST chocolate chip, peanut butter cookies around.

Pejazzling. Yes. I Said Pejazzling.

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