blog – twoday magazine

January 8th, 2012

My dear readers, I come to you a broken woman. Throughout the years, I have seen many beauty trends come and go.  from injecting your face full of poison, to shooting a laser at oh-so-delicate areas to singe off hair; it is apparent that women will do just about anything, no matter how painful, to make themselves appear “beautiful.”Personally, if I was a man and I was approached hairless woman who was incapable of making an expression, I’d probably back away slowly and report to the CIA that I had a close encounter of the third kind. But I digress…

To a certain extent, we physically harm ourselves to achieve what is usually the unachievable; to be universally attractive.  my friends, this is simply not possible.  And we know this to be true.  

Despite this knowledge, we strive to make it happen, under any means necessary.  I, like most women, put on a fake face every day when I wake up in the morning. I coat my eyelashes in black wax, coat my eyelids in colorful dust, and pluck my eyebrows to the point where I look permanently surprised.  Theoretically I know that this is, to a certain degree, ridiculous.  I can’t explain it, and most women can’t as well, but I don’t feel complete when I don’t have make up on my face.  I don’t feel like my best self. It’s odd and annoying.  I’d much rather spend my twelve dollars on a good book than mascara.  But alas!  my cruel need to have eyelashes that are long enough to tickle my forehead compels me to buy the mascara.  I admit it.  I’m human.  I really care about what I look like.But I draw the fucking line at bedazzling my vagina.That’s right.  You read that correctly.  Thanks to acclaimed actress and apparent literary genius Jennifer Love Hewitt, vajazzling is now becoming vastly popular amongst females everywhere.  Now, you too can glue jewels onto your pubic region.  You can do it at a salon, with a friend, or in the privacy of your own home.The wonderful JLH is so devoted to vajazzling, she even devoted an entire chapter in her latest literary masterpiece The Day I Shot Cupid to the practice of vajazzling.  every lady, she declares, should vajazzle!  Why, it makes you feel so good!  It looks like a disco ball down there!  And really, what should a vagina be but not a sparkling disco ball that also has the capability to eject another life form?  I mean, they go together so well.  And in case you were ever uncertain of your worth, you can check out your newly vajazzled lady parts to see what quality stones you have currently glued to yourself.  If its Swarovski crystals, you are worth at least three dinner dates AND a long walk through the park before he gets to bask in the glory of your sparkling reproductive organs.  If however, you got your vajazzling kit from your local Sally Beauty Supplies, you are worth at the very most, two cheap beers and a drunken promise to take you to the hockey game next week.  Tops.“But Mia!” I hear you cry, “Surely these crystals must cause some discomfort for the gentleman during certain types of sexual shenanigans.  I can’t imagine that would feel good…”

According to Miss Jennifer Love Hewitt, she has gotten “no complaints.”  for bedazzling is only, (I hope) external decoration…however, let me paint you a picture of why I think vajazzling is not such a good idea.Picture this, if you will.  (For the squeamish, it might actually be better if you don’t.)  You are with a gentleman caller in the heat of a moment.  When, unexpectedly, a jewel or two gets lost in the shuffle.  Suddenly, diamond in the rough takes on a whole new meaning, and one begins to feel a pain that dare not speak its name.All joking aside, I find this so utterly and irrevocably ludicrous that I can barely type because my fingers are tensing up with angst.  Really?  The only way to make me feel good about the fact that I am a woman and have the corresponding parts is to glue rhinestones on said extremely sensitive parts so that it “looks pretty”?!  I am so sick and tired of the notion that women must do everything in their power to act like they don’t have genitalia.  or hair.  or dark under eye circles.  or other normal bodily functions.  Meanwhile, when it comes to their junk, men are encouraged to the do the opposite.  they are encouraged to take pills and wear underwear that makes their bulge, forgive the pun, as in your face as possible.  On both accounts, these bizarre obsessions with body parts and how to enhance/hide them are unhealthy and just plain ridiculous.  How far have we fallen to confuse self-esteem with gluing fake rhinestones onto the most delicate organ of our bodies; the purpose of that organ being for waste and procreation?  Thinking logically, those are two things that should have absolutely nothing to do with glue and sparkling shards of, if I may speak directly to the ladies:  my dears, there is nothing wrong with any part of you, so please, please, don’t go covering up anything with rhinestones to try to distract yourself from the fact that you are a woman and the fact that you have a vagina.  because here’s the thing, no matter how much make up I put on my face, it changes nothing.  I still take it off every night, and am confronted with the fact that I have the same lips, eyes, and skin that I had when I woke up in the morning.  make up, or vajazzling, is only covering up what you are insecure about.  And essentially, that’s about being human.  And if we should all work on one thing, it should be accepting and embracing that.  because it’s never going to change. no matter how many rhinestones you stick there.**********************Twoday magazine wants to know: do you (or would you) vajazzle? Find us on Facebook and tell us your thoughts! And fellas, would you want to see disco-ball lady parts? Find Mia on Twitter @miasminirants for more hilarious commentary….

blog – twoday magazine

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